Warnings: Very naughty humour. Lots of giggles. Not to be read if you’re easily offended.
Twas the Night Before Christmas, Cullen Style by @Mandy52799
Summary: Carlisle perverts a Christmas classic. See what's going on in and around the Cullen house on Christmas Eve. This is just for shiggles. M for really dirty humor, smut, and mistreatment of forest creatures. Vampire/human. AU. CPOV.
Mandy is one of my favourite people on fanfiction. Not only is she an amazing person, and an incredibly talented banner-maker, she’s also a great author. And this hilarious poem further proves just how versatile she is.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Vampires were stirring; each fucking their spouse.
The stockings were tossed o'er lampshades without care,
As Rosalie screamed "Oh Emmett! Right there!"
The pixie was nestled all snug in her bed,
Despite it not being Christmas, this one-shot is perfect to read at any time, and never fails to put a smile on my face. We’ve all wondered exactly how Edward managed to control himself and never lose control during the years before he met Bella, and then again once he had met her. And Mandy gives us a great answer, which poor Carlisle has to witness.
And Edward with his brooding, and a ripe human snack,
Had just talked her out of a roll in the sack,
When out in the forest there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my mate to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I ran super fast,
I'd tear them to shreds for ruining this ass.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the sparkle of mid-day to a vampire below.
I’mgoing to keep this review short and sweet, and not ruin it for you by revealing anymore of Mandy’s well-crafted verse. It will only take you a minute to go and read, but will lift your spirits and leave you with a lot of laughter, and a great fic to rec and re-read!